Shut-Off Notice

This is a notice to everyone I talk to online.  In the next 24 or so, our phone and internet will be getting disconnected.  We haven't been able to pay our bill in full for a few months now.  If there is any reason anyone will need to get a hold of us, you will have to grit your teeth and just chance coming over and hope we're home.  Chances are, someone will be. 

Sadly, I'm pretty positive that at this point, our electricity is next.  Matt works long hard hours at Walmart but because he's not a "full-time" employee, they are forced to pick 1 week out of every six to bone him hours.  Even if he was full time on their hourly wage, though, we wouldn't be making enough.  We're back late on rent every month as it is.  We pay $550 a month, but the late fee is $100.  So since we started living here, we've been paying $650 a month for rent.  With Matt's current check that came in on the 23rd, we at least get to barely keep the apartment.

Now the matter of the money we got for Christmas.  I recieved a pretty generous check from my Paternal Grandmother.  Matt want's me to get something for myself with it.  I'm still debating.  With the check, we could at least pay off the Car Insurance.  Or even put a little toward the piling electric bill.  We could finally get the car a full lube job with the money.  We have been spending as responsibly as we can with every penny we make and recieve for so long now, I would feel totally guilty if I spent this money on something for me.  I feel guilty enough on getting my haircut, feet done, and facial from just 2 weeks ago.  Regardless of the fact that I spent only $30.  An amount the normally waged person would find a "Good Deal".  All I can think right now is "That could have gotten Luke some diapers."

I know a simple solution right now is, "Why don't you get a job, Lori?"  The usual excuse is, "I've been trying but it's hard".  The real reason is I've let my self go soooo much right now that it's an effort just to get out the door.  I have reciently discovered that I have ballooned up to 340 lbs.  I have never been this heavy before in my life.  For the last 10 years of my life, I have been trying like crazy not to get over 330.  I have failed.  I have told countless people that if I ever got to this point, where I can't even walk around the store without needing a motorized cart, to kill me.  I'm pretty serious on this one.  I just don't know what to do to keep my weight down and manageable.  I'm in chronic back pain enough to the point where I can't sleep anymore.  I woke up @ 5:45am this morning because I hurt so bad.  I can't hardly play with my son enough.  I don't hardly even try to go anywhere with him because carrying my own weight with his extra 23lbs is too much when going up and down the stairs.  I'm in constant fear I'm going to fall through the planking outside my door.  I've tried excersising at home with tapes & videos.  I tried taking walks with Luke outside.  I can't afford gyms.  I can't afford dietary suppliments, programs, and foods.  And I definately can't afford surgery.  I feel so trapped.

Regardless, I do have a part time thing with a lady about twice a week.  $10/hour for 2-3 hours a hit or so.  I come home sore, pained, and having to still take care of my son all by myself most the time because a.) Luke would have had already taken his nap so he would be all play mode until 7p-8p. and b.)  Matt would have to go to work immediately after I get home. 

right now, death would be most welcome.  I need the rest, relief from the constant pain, and all the issues Obesity and Scoliosis brings.  Sadly, I can never have that right now.  I am a mother and because of that, death is not an option.  What are we going to do?