Talking to my Dad

Why is it that even when I have a nice conversation with my dad, I still feel like I'm wasting his time? 

I actually called my dad this morning (Sunday, mind you) and he actually picked up the phone.  I wanted to let him know Grampa's birthday party was back on.  I didn't want to have to let him know but it was out of curtious obligation that I did so.  He hates the whole "Short Notice Flip-Flopping" of any kind of plans that involve his time.  The man is kind of a hermit.  Even worse of one when it involves me.  But, he was fine with it.  He's wanting to go.  Especially to see his own Grandson.  He doesn't come to see him often enough.  Hell, his grandparents in Montana see this child more than he does.

Back to the point.  It doesn't matter weither the call results in good or disappointment.  I always want to cry afterwards.  I hate having to fight for this man's affection (read: approval).  I don't always e-mail him expecting it yet when I get an e-mail back from him in response to something, it makes me feel like I've won a lottery. 

I shouldn't have to feel that proud of myself when I talk to one of my parents (regardless if it's from the only parent I have who's alive.)  Honestly, and I don't care how screwed up someone takes this, children SHOULD take having parents for granted.  Everyone is entitled to parents.  This doesn't mean that children shouldn't get spanked by them or they should get everything they want when they want it.  But everyone deserves them.

It hurts like crazy that I feel like such a dissappointment, even when I'm the daughter who's actually succeeding in life, in a really messed up version of success.  I made the effort to grow-up and have a life apart from my family.  I did it to prove that I don't need their instruction, bitching, money, or support because I was a grown-ass woman and that is exactly how I will live.  I've been married, twice and have a family of my own, regardless of the fact that we are living on a small, single income and unfortunately, that is all we can do at this point.

But, as always, I have to not talk or e-mail my dad for days before he's willing to even e-mail me back in response to any photos I send him of his grandson.  And it has to take 6 months between visits to get my dad to come see his Grandson without there being a special occasion.  The same grandson, who is his only blood grandchild, created from one of his only 2 children whom he created with his wife, therefor, this child is an extension of his wife and him. 

But, he is my son.  So when he looks into his face, I'm sure he doesn't see his beloved and departed wife.  He sees his annoying, clumsy, fat, and needy oldest daughter.  And because of that, regardless of weither our short correspondences were good or dissappointing, I want to cry each time because I still feel like I wasted his time.