In Dire Need of Physical, Mental, & Emotional Healing

I belong to a very special church.  In this church, we believe in spiritual healing, psychic ability, and any and all things metaphysical.  It is the only religious place I have ever felt as a being home.  Even more than the apartment that I live in with my Husband and Toddler Son.  Within this church, they have many offerings as far as classes in enriching and expanding one's psychic ability and power to heal, monthly "Healing Sundays", and many opportunities to network with others.  Sadly, I'm really starting to feel left out.

It's not that the people in the church don't invite me to do anything, or that they are "shunning" me, as I have been in the past by my father's church, which I grew-up in.  It's the fact that until this past year, I hadn't been able to attend service regularly.  I had been attending Divine Fellowship since the church was 2 years old.  Unfortunately, I am no closer to some of the members as I wish to be.  I miss out on a lot of the fun and healing because either I just don't have the money to make the classes (most of them being more than $50 to attend.)  Or, when there is something like a church get-together or even the after Sunday brunches at T.J.'s (i think that's what it's called), I miss out on all the bonding.  But it wasn't until this years baptism that I now feel like I really missed out on something that I have been praying for for the last 15 years.  Healing on all levels.

This past Sunday was our churches baptism/pool party.  I had planned to make this party since they first announced it and set a date.  I had it all planned out.  Stay home from church, have Luke take an early nap, and then leave here at 1pm right when everyone was showing up.  I even had a map printed out on mapquest and a bag packed.  Then, Matt stayed home sick from work the previous night with a nasty head cold.  He slept all that night, all through the morning until it was time to get ready to the party.  What does he tell me?  He didn't feel like he could go.  I wanted to cry.  Luke hadn't been swimming all this summer, let alone get many chances to play outside because I'm the one who gets sick from heat.  I was so upset.  Matt tried to fake it like he'd just buck it up but he still had to work that evening.  I couldn't in good conscience let him do that for my sake. 

So, today, I get an e-mail from our pastor, Janice Lynch.  I feel like it was rubbed in my face all the fun that was had and how the pool water had so much energy from everyone and the baptisms, that people were actually being PHYSICALLY healed and PAINS EASED just from being in the water.  I know this wasn't Janice's intention with the e-mail.  It was part of her weekly "What's Up" through our church and she never does anything to be particularly cruel.  So, I must chalk it up to Karma.  Yet again, I have done something so wrong that I don't deserve to be healed in any fashion.  This is the same Karma that keeps me from getting SSI, loosing weight, or being the mom that my son deserves. 

I hate this.  I hate missing out on everything.  I hate my husband's job for making him work overnight just to guarantee that he gets full-time or even just barely enough pay to barely keep a roof over our heads let alone the lights on and gas in the car.  I hate that I have no energy to get anything done in my home because I am just now hitting the point of "Too Fat To Function" and it makes me want to die.  I also hate that because of this depression, I lack the DRIVE to even walk a couple of blocks for activity, let alone took away any sense of tingle that could translate into a labido.  Even my husband cruely teases me about it, when I am freaking out every moment he's not home that he maybe turning to other women to fufill his needs.  It's bad enough he has to take up my slack with the internet when he thinks I'm sleeping in bed.

So, what keeps me from taking a knife to my wrist?  Just the single thought that I can't do that to my son.  He deserves a sad and in-pain mom more than no mom at all.